From Here to There

I talk to myself when I’m driving to and from work.  I know I’m probably the only person in the world that does that, right?  It’s that kind of thinking that leads me to the point of this post.  We are, as a society, much too focused on the “me”.

I found myself headed to a funeral the other day.  An old family friend and former (childhood) neighbor had passed away at the age of 87.  He lived a good life.  His five children and I grew up together, and his wife (already gone) had been one of my mother’s best friends.  I felt the need to attend the funeral to show my respects to the memory of this good man, to be supportive of my childhood friends, and because my mom needed a ride.

When I’m headed into a situation where it’s possible I’ll run into people I haven’t seen in a while, I almost always “practice” (by talking to myself in the car) what I’m going to say to the inevitable questions that arise in those situations.  “How have you been?”  “What have you been up to?”  “What are you doing now?”  My practiced (and real) answers have historically been meaningless, and contained way too much detail.  Inevitably I would see their eyes glaze and their attention drift before I even come close to completing my self-aggrandizing monologue.

Inevitably, I would leave the event feeling like a miserable sod.  I’d tell myself I should never have gone; those people didn’t give a hoot about me.  And then I’d realize that I spent way too much time talking about myself, making sure people knew about my interesting and successful life so they would like me.  I completely forgot to ask, or tuned out, what was going on in everyone else’s life.  In other words, once again I made it all about me.

Over the years I’ve come to realize, through my own experiences, that the individual who makes it all about them in a social situation, is exactly the kind of person I want to avoid the next time we’re in a similar situation.  And the reason I, and most everyone else I know feels that way is also because of the “me” factor.  Let me explain.

It’s a known psychological response that individuals are flattered when others express an interest in who they are.  When you are flattered by someone else’s interest in you, you tend to perceive that individual in a favorable light.  Essentially, if you show a genuine interest in me, in who I am and what my life is like, I will “like” you and will enjoy taking with you, because you want ME to talk about ME.  The key factor that makes or breaks this theory is sincerity.  There must be a genuine interest, or most people will realize they’re getting nothing but disingenuous lip service from someone who doesn’t really give a crap, which only serves to make them feel uninteresting.  Not a good feeling at all.

My sister has, apparently, always been “envious” of my artistic talents (she claims she can’t even draw a decent stick figure).  I, on the other hand, have always been envious of her people skills.  She’s a very social person, and has a lot of interesting, close friends.  In large part, I believe that’s because she is very good at drawing people out of themselves and shows a genuine interest in their lives.  It’s not all about her.  Unfortunately, that’s not a skill that I’ve spent much time developing.  Up until now.

I consider myself a life-long learner, and will always look for ways to develop or improve skills that will enhance my life and improve my lifestyle.  So I talked to myself on the way to the funeral about making sure I focused less on ME and more on everyone else.  And now that I’m more aware, I will try to remind myself of that on a regular basis.

I’m hoping at some point in my life I won’t have to work so hard at being less self-focused.  In the meantime, I’ll still enjoy the company of others who show a genuine interest in my life. Because that, after all, makes it all about me.